Početna / AZILNE PRIČE / ASYLUM STORIES / Huseinova unutrašnja borba sa odgovornošću

Huseinova unutrašnja borba sa odgovornošću

pripremio: APC    foto: APC

KRNJACA, August 2018 – Husein still sees the scars on his body and soul. He is from Kurdistan. He’s been in Serbia for a few months, but his escape from conflict and his journey towards Europe lasted much longer. (English version below)

KRNJAČA,avgust 2018. – Husein jos vida rane na telu i na  dusi. Iz Kurdistana je. U Srbiji je par meseci, ali njegov beg od sukoba i putovanje ka Evropi je trajalo mnogo duže.

Stalno se pita- da li bi  krenuo da je znao šta ga na tom putu čeka, naročito da će doživeti tolika poniženja.

Ne spava. Plaši se da li će njegova odluka da krenu u Evropu sšasoti ili uzništiti njegovu porodicu.

Oseća potrebu da priča, Kreće iz početka:

„Morali smo da odemo, bilo je nepodnošljivo. Svuda oko tebe se sve raspada. Stalno misliš „Bože, preživeli smo i ovaj dan“. Žena me nemo gleda, ništa ne izgovara, a znam da bi htela da kaže „Huseine, spasi nas“. U vazduhu se oseća miris baruta i krvi. Misliš da ne možeš da udahneš, vremenom se navikneš.

Presekao sam jedan dan, odlučio sam da povedem porodicu u Evropu. Da sam tad znao šta sad znam, dobro bih razmislio da li bismo krenuli.“

Pogledaj me,govori mi, ja sam veliki čovek, izgledam kao stena.

„Uvek sam se trudio da deca ne primete da mi je teško, da se i ja plašim. Oni su mali, imaju 7, 8 i 10 godina. Ne trebaju im još i moje brige. Vidim kako su se menjali, postajali ćutljiviji, kako su im lica postajala kamena.“, priča Husein kako se nekako došli do Bugarske. Tu počinje pakao koji kazze nije mogao da zamisliž.

„Držali su nas u zatvorenom kampu. Prepuno ljudi, svi očajni, nervozni, gladni. Svakog dana gledaš ogradu i policiju sa puškama i psima kako patroliraju. Kao da smo kriminalci a ne izbeglice. Bacaju ti hleb kao psima, i iako se osećaš odvratno i poniženo, stojiš i hvataš da bi tvoja porodica imala šta da jede“.

Pita me da li sam čula za protest koji je izbio tamo. Ljudi nisu mogli više da izdrže, počeli su da se bune, a policija je počela da tuče. Nastao je haos, priča.

„ Ja sam zagrlio decu i ženu i čekao da prođe. Svuda oko nas je bio metež, psi laju, ljudi urlaju. Sin mi je rekao „tata, pa ti se plašiš!“. Srce mi se slomilo, nisam uspeo to da sakrijem. On je bio prestravljen. Pobeleo je i vikao „ne daj da me povrede!“. Sećam se da je veliki crni pas iskezio svoje zube na njega dok je policajac vikao na nas rečima koje nisam razumeo. Onda je udario mog sina u glavu. Dilbar je pao, a ja sam znao da ništa ne mogu da uradim. Pobegao sam iz Kurdistana da zaštitim porodicu, i evo nisam uspeo. Nekako smo se oporavili od toga i uspeli da dođemo u Srbiju.

Ovde je mnogo mirnije, kaže. Oseća da su   sigurni. Potrebno im  je vreme da zabravimo sve, a Husein nije nisam   da je to uopšte moguće. Kaže da je Dilbaru  najteže  . Budi se noću, vrišti, kaže „ne želim da umrem!“.

„Ponekad mesečari, ustaje iz kreveta i pokušava da izađe iz sobe. Vidim da ga i dalje muči ono što se desilo u Bugarskoj. Žena i ja spavamo na smenu, nemamo ključ od sobe, neće da nam daju, pa se bojim da Dilbar ne izađe. Trudim se da mu objasnim da je ovde sve u redu, da ga niko neće napasti. I vidim da mi veruje. Pričamo o lepim stvarima u toku dana, ide u školu, druži se sa drugom decom, deluje srećno i opušteno. Ali kada padne noć, on se vraća u mislima u Bugarsku. Progoni ga taj crni pas“.

Husein se zahvaljuje što ih posećujemo, što Dilbara pokušavamo zaokupimo nekim zanimljivim i lepim stvarima.

Husein prikuplja snagu da ide dalje. On je otac koji je na sebe preuzeo odgovornost  za Dilbara, za svoju ženu i decu. Ponavlja da mora da ih zaštiti i to ga jako opterećuje. Pita se, a očekuje i dogovor od nas –da li je  doneo pravu odluku.

Na to pitanje nema pravog odgovora, ali će neki ipak doneti vreme

Husein’s Internal Struggle With Responsibility

He is constantly wondering would he have began the journey had he known what was waiting for him on the path, especially considering how much humiliation he had endured.

He doesn’t sleep. Afraid of the possibility that his decision to go to Europe will tear apart his family.

He feels the need to talk – from the beginning:

“We had to leave, it was unbearable. Everywhere around you everything is falling apart.  Constantly you’re thinking “God, we survived yet another day.” My wife cannot look at me, she doesn’t say anything and I know that she wants to say “Hussein, save us.” The air smells of pumice and blood. You think that you can’t handle it, but with time you get used to it.

One day, I just made the decision, to take my family to Europe. If I knew then what I know now, I would think long and hard on if we would actually leave.”

“Look at me”, he says, “…I’m a big man and I look like a rock.”

“I always tried to make sure my children do not notice that it is hard for me, that I, myself am scared. They’re young, 7,8 and 10 years old. They do not need my burdens as well. I see how they’ve changes, they’ve become more silent, they’re faces like stone.” Husein tells us that somehow they somehow came to Bulgaria. This is where his hell began, where he explains, is unimaginable.

“They kept us in a closed camp. With far too many people, all desperate, nervous, hungry. Every day you look at the fence and police with guns and dogs patrolling. It’s like we’re criminals and not refugees. They throw you bread like dogs, and even though you feel disgusting and humiliated, you stand and catch that bread so that your family has something to eat. ”

He asks if I heard about the protest that broke out there. People could no longer endure it, they started an uproar, and the police began to beat them. He speaks of the chaos that ensued.

“I hugged my children and wife and waited for it all to pass. Rage was all around us, dogs barking, people screaming.  My son said to me “Dad, you’re scared!” My heart broke, I was not able to hide it. He was terrified, he screamed, “don’t let them hurt me!” I remember the big black dog showing his teeth at him while the police screamed at us with words we did not understand. Then he hit my son in the head. Dilbar fell, and I knew that I could not do anything. I ran away from Kurdistan to protect my family, and I failed. Somehow we recovered from this and managed to get to Serbia.

He says its much more peaceful here. A feeling of security. It will take time for them to forget everything, and Husein himself is unsure if it is possible at all. He says Dilbar has it the hardest. He awakens in the night screaming, “I do not want to die!”

“At times he sleep walks, getting up out of bed and attempting to leave the room. I can tell that he’s still distraught from what happened in Bulgaria. My wife and I take turns sleeping, we have no key for the room, they don’t wish to give it to us, so I worry that Dilbar will try to leave. I try to explain it to him that here everything is okay, that nobody will attack him. And I see that he believes me. We talk about good positive things throughout the day, he goes to school, he hangs out with other kids, and seems happy and relaxed. But at night, he returns to his thoughts from Bulgaria. That black dog persecuted him.”

Husein is grateful that we visit them, that we try to engage Dilbar with interesting and positive things.

Husein is building up the strength to continue onwards. He is a father who placed the responsibility on himself for He repeatedly mentions how he must protect them, and this thought weighs heavily on him. He constantly asks himself, and even seeks answers from us on – if he made the right decision.

There is no correct answer to that question, only time will tell.

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Migranti izbačeni iz Adaševaca, uz pomoć APC vraćeni u Centar

pripremio: APC    foto: APC ADASEVCI, July 31st – During our regular visit to the Reception …

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